Taking the Furious 7 Trailer as Seriously as Possible

After years of anticipation tinged with sadness, the trailer for the seventh installment of the Fast and Furious franchise, aptly titled Furious 7, has graced the interwebs. It is glorious. Enjoy:

If you’ve been following ShittyBanter from the start, you might know that I celebrated the release of the Fast 6 trailer with a second-by-second breakdown. This is because I love the Fast franchise. I will watch these movies any time they are on, and enjoy every second (aside from a few seconds in the middle of Tokyo Drift). They are amazing stories dedicated to action, family, street racing, and living life one quarter-mile at a time. It is thrilling to be so close to another chapter, and finally have flashes of fast cars to fantasize about.

RIPWalker

However, this column is written with a sincerely heavy heart. Paul Walker, better known in my soul as Brian O’Conner, passed away late last year. He brought Brian to life in a way that I imagine few other actors could. He was the heart of the franchise, always doing his best to do what was right, no matter how difficult. His death occurred before shooting on the film had finished, but through a combination of CGI, stand-ins, and previously shot footage, Brian O’Conner will make his final Fast franchise appearance in Furious 7.

He will be deeply missed.

But we are not here to wallow over what we have lost. We are here to bask in the glory of the newest bit of Fast footage that is this beautiful trailer. Let’s get Furious.

*****

Dom: Alright, let’s get to work.

furious1Sounds good Dom! What’s the workload like today boss? Intercepting a Mexican drug cartel? Taking on corruption in the Rio police force? Usual stuff I presume. You wouldn’t do anything crazy, would you Dom?

Why are you strapped into your car so tight?

Luda: Hey Roman, you freaking out?

furious2

Roman: No.

Luda: Yes you are…

Roman: Can somebody just walk me through what we supposed to be doin’?

Seems like a reasonable request Roman. You have followed Brian O’Conner to near death multiple times, you deserve to know what you’re getting yourself into. Thankfully, we have the next few frames that seem to explain pretty clearly what the plan is.

Furious7-Cargo Plane

Flashing red light. Opening hangar doors. Cargo plane. Did you figure out the plan yet Roman?

Brian: Just when you think it couldn’t get any better, huh?

maybepaulwalker2

Dom: Here we go.

dpozk

So far, the plan was apparently to get five high-end cars, put them inside a cargo plane, fly that cargo plane up way high in the air, and then jump out of the cargo plane in the cars.

Oh man Furious 7, you had my curiosity, but now you have my attention.

diesel_freefall

That is Vin Diesel mid-freefall, in case you have ever wondered what that looked like. Notice that his hands are still firmly on the wheel and stick. It’s like even though he was dropped out of the back end of a plane, he’s still not entirely sure he won’t have to street race in the next ten seconds. Beautiful.

How’s that falling going?

furious7 (1)

Great! Everyone is out of the plane! Now for Roman’s sake, what’s the next step in this plan?

dppc5

Duh! A hydraulic parachute system with a second set of hydraulics to release the parachute once your car is close enough to the ground for your absurdly impressive shocks to absorb the blow. I should’ve thought of that.

But that seemed pretty complicated. Did the whole team make it? Is there a rally point we can all get to, as I’m assuming we might’ve lost each other for a bit during that spat of uncontrollable freefall?

fast1What’s that? No? You say that all the cars landed relatively close to each other? And there were no real hiccups in the plan thus far? Splendid! What’s the next step?

dr5jg

Ludacris’ “Oh shit!” face! It is now a staple of the Fast franchise trailers, after his amazing “Uh guys, they got a tank.” reveal in Fast 6. But meta-commentary aside, what is happening here? Who is on that bus? Why do they have a lever that controls automatic weapons coming out of its storage units? And what about this bus or the people on this bus made an airdrop necessary? Why wouldn’t the gang’s usual plan (driving really fast to catch up with people) have worked in this case?

So many questions, so little time.

Don’t matter, because  it’s time for the next step in the elaborate plan of our beloved heroes. Spear guns.

Dom: Hook ’em up!

dr5lv

I like to think that after their success during the finale of Fast 6, one of the members of the gang (probably Luda) was just like, “Hey, remember those spear guns we used to prevent that cargo jet from taking off? I bet we could use those for other things too!”

Maybe. Maybe not. Regardless, this makes two straight Fast trailers that incorporate the use of spear guns against an enemy. How did that work out?

dr5sr

Perfect! The back of the bus is now missing, just as planned. What’s next?

Dom: Brian, you’re up.

brianyoureupIf this were just Fast 2 Brian only would have had to jump from one moving vehicle to another. Back in those days, those were high enough stakes to get the collective nerves of the audience shaking. But this is not Fast 2, this is Furious 7, and this is Paul Walker’s grand finale. No he will not simply “jump from one moving vehicle to another.” Instead he will…

dr60m

Jump from the hood of his car into the bus, tackling a dude on the way, get up, shoot the lock off a door, take a hood off a girl who has apparently been kidnapped, say to her “I’mma get you outta here,” then yell at her, “YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO JUMP!” before throwing her onto the hood of Dom Toretto’s vehicle.

But wait, that leaves Brian still on the bus? How does he get off it? Well, it’s pretty simple, he just…

dqp1k

…waits for the bus to flip on its side and begin falling off a cliff, then get out of the front of the bus, climb to the now relative “top,” run towards land as the bus continues sliding into the abyss, jumps, and then grabs onto Letty’s perfectly placed spoiler.

Smash cut to “from Universal Pictures.”

WHOA HOW AMAZING WAS THAT YOU GUYS.

Super amazing. Just the fact that we are getting blessed with images like this:

walkerrunsforitBeautiful.

Now, in the actual film, this scene feels most like the big opening act, the scene in each movie that helps establish both the courage and expertise of our drivers. In Fast 4 it was the oil-rig heist. In Fast 5 it was breaking Dom out of the prison bus. But if that is the case, I have no idea how the foundation will be laid as to who the girl they are saving is and who is on that bus.

And, more than anything, why was dropping out of a plane necessary? I can’t imagine what that did to their projected costs. And while we are on the subject, do these guys have an accountant? Or anyone looking over how they manage their funds? Because spear guns ain’t cheap.

Hilariously, we still have only gotten through half of the trailer. We got a delicious taste of our big set piece, but what of day-to-day Fast living? Who from the film’s history can we expect to see?

Statham: Dominic Toretto. You don’t know me, but you’re about to.

stathamOh yeah! Jason Statham!

Did you stay through the credits at the end of Fast 6? Of course you did! So you already know that Statham is the brother of Owen Shaw (the big baddie that brainwashed Letty in Fast 6) and he is super salty that his brother is now dead. He took his revenge first by killing Han in Tokyo; while we had all thought Han just got caught in the wrong drift circles, it was actually a planned, coordinated attack on his life by Jason Statham. Han never stood a chance. Now Statham is coming after the rest of the crew, to avenge his brother’s death.

Dom: Looks like the sins of London have followed us home…

backinLAOh man. This is just a beautiful shot. I am super happy they made it back to LA. This gives the possibility for a happy retirement for Brian O’Conner. If you remember, in Fast 6 the crew was up for total immunity on past crimes for taking out Shaw. After Walker passed, there were rumors that his character would either be killed off or retired from the series. And while I know that Brian O’Conner would die with honor in the line of duty if it meant protecting his family, I would really love to see him just settle down in LA with his wife and child, and give his son the upbringing that he never had.

Some things are more important than street racing and futuristic motor-terrorism.

But yeah, “the sins of London have followed us home” makes it sound like someone was killed by Shaw’s brother Statham and now shit is once again, real.

therockReal enough to bring back The Rock apparently! Notice that he is not shown head-to-toe in UnderArmour apparel this time around. Maybe their contract ran out? Or maybe some branch of the armed forces are paying him to wear camo in this movie. Either way, good to see you again Rock. I bet you will be a big help fighting against Jason Statham.

In the trailer, The Rock explains to the crew that Statham is Owen Shaw’s “big bad brother.” And so the gang is shown is a series of “arming up” shots, with everyone carrying some big weapons. Should be fun.

Dom: One last ride…

Paul_WalkerI will admit, I teared up the first time I saw this. “One last ride” is a sentiment we have heard Dom Toretto say so many times before, and we always would laugh because we all knew that another sequel was already scheduled, meaning that one more ride was undoubtedly coming. But this is it for Brian. This is Brian’s “one last ride” for real. And pairing Diesel’s delivery with this shot of Walker is truly moving. One last ride Brian. Let’s make the most of it.

So where’s this ride going to be?

cityscapeMmmmm. Exotic city. After Rio and London, I guess this was a probable outcome. Where is this? Dubai? Abu Dhabi? Abu Dhabi pretending to be Dubai? According to the film’s wiki page: Maybe.

So what’s going on in Abu Dubai then? Will there be ridiculous street parties? With people dancing to hypnotic 808 beats while other prepare to drag race for pink slips?

dqpfkPerfect. This is usually the most reliable part of any Fast movie. Even if you are not in on the plot, even if you think that this movie is ridiculous and why do they have spear guns in their cars, you can always count on one sequence in the film where the crew is back to doing what it does best: taking life one quarter mile at a time.

Also, I love the way Roman flexes his tux at the end.

What other quick shots do you want to give us, beautiful trailer, so that we might be further teased by what you have to offer?

paulwalkershootoutBrian O’Conner in a shootout involving assault weapons. Dope.

chargerwheelieDom Toretto pulling a wheelie in his black Grand National. DOPE.

The Rock: Daddy’s gotta go to work.

dr6ys

The Rock BREAKING OUT OF A CAST so he can proceed to BEAT THE SNOT out of some Statham crony after referring to himself as “Daddy”? THE DOPEST.

This is beautiful. Let’s finish strong with a few more quick shots that give away no plot details yet still get me totally amped to see this movie.

dqp8e

THE ROCK WITH A CHAIN GUN. THE ROCK WITH A CHAIN GUN. THE ROCK WITH A CHAIN GUN AND LITTLE REGARD FOR THE LAW. #BLESSED

stathamtransporterJason Statham, going full Transporter on us. #Blessed

letty_on_balconyLetty, looking phenomenal on a balcony. #Blessed

handholdingSome quality Dom-Letty hand-holding. They earned it. #Blessed

GirltheGangSavedLookinGoodNew girl the crew saved from that bus earlier, also looking good. #Blessed

RomanAndLudaAppreciateLudacris and Roman, appreciating good looking women. #Blessed

Hmm, I was hoping for one more spot of action, just so I know for sure that shit is going to go down. Can you convince me trailer?

stathamdieselYes, that is exactly what it looks like. Furious 7 is going to give us a crowbar fight between Jason Statham and Vin Diesel. What a trailer experience this has been.

Now bring it home.

Ominous Voice: Like it or not, you and your friends are a part of it now.

Vin-Idontgotfriends

Dom: I don’t have friends. I got family.

Vin-Igotfamily

Again, this shot had me tearing up. We will always remember you Paul Walker. Thank you for making my life better, faster, and filled with more love. I can’t wait to see your new movie.

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