Last night I really wanted to watch the VMAs live. I knew that Twitter would be abuzz and that both Kanye West and Daft Punk would be performing. These are events that I like to be “present” for. Unfortunately, after Lady Gaga’s performance to start the show, I quickly came to a realization.
The VMAs were hard to watch live.
There were a few reasons why: fantasy football players were to be drafted, plans for an impending trip to London had to be made, and Breaking Bad was scheduled to present what I am calling THE GREATEST HOUR OF TELEVISION PERIOD even though I know I am prone to overusing both superlatives and CAPS LOCK.
My priorities were torn, and I knew that I would not be able to give the VMAs the full attention that it didn’t really deserve but I wished to give it anyway. I decided to keep the awards show on as background noise and focus my attention on filling out the roster of Salute Your Cecil Shorts, catching Kanye and JT live with only 40% of my attention on them at best.
Then Breaking Bad happened (HOLY CRAP JESSE WHAT), and then I sat in silent disbelief for about 40 minutes. When I finally regained cultural consciousness, I dutifully began to fast forward through the VMAs.
It was a great time. Don’t get me wrong, it was not even close to Breaking Bad (WALT THAT TAPE WAS CRAY AHHHHH OMG), but it was easy to get through and much less scary and intense.
The ability to watch what you want and skip One Direction is an under appreciated miracle in the year 2013. Depending on your personal interests in music and popular culture, there are infinite variations of moments that would catch your eye while scanning through over two hours of footage at “8x>>>”.
These are the moments that my mind found important enough to press play for while the VMAs were speeding by my screen.
Moment 1: Rewatching Lady Gaga’s Performance of “Applause”
Master of onstage wardrobe changes and opening shows with weird faces, Lady Gaga basically killed it to open the show. Also, props to her for writing a song called “Applause” where she closes a verse with “Pop culture was an art, now art’s a pop culture in me,” and admits that she lives for the applause. I’m happy to have Gaga back in my life, even if it’s just for a night.
Moment 2: Skipping One Direction, But Still Being Aggravated With That Smug Kid And His Chewing Gum
This is how excited One Direction was that Selena Gomez won a Moon Man. Sigh.
Moment 3: Being More Excited For SNL Miley Cyrus Than Actual Miley Cyrus
Vanessa Bayer was really the only reason that I decided to stop skipping through the show. Until…
Moment 4: Realizing How Excited You Should Have Been For Actual Miley Cyrus
This realization came to me right about here:
She then went on to twerk, perform “We Can’t Stop”, and sexually assault Robin Thicke.
It was rough, because I really like Robin Thicke.
Two things are for sure: Miley definitely “wanted it,” and the lines were not very blurred.
Moment 5: 2 CHAINZ
Every time I see 2 Chainz in any context at all, I have to pause and scream “2 CHAINZZZZZ” in my head before moving on in my life. So that happened.
Moment 6: Catching Yourself Skipping Through Kanye West
I had already seen Kanye’s Performance live, but in my Fast Forwarding frenzy, I totally skipped the first two minutes of it, realized what my mind had subconsciously done, and rewound to watch the full thing again feeling a bit guilty and questioning my entire life.
Also MTV, if you’re going to invite Kanye West to perform, you have to allow him to say “molly” without cutting out the audio and making my television sound like it’s short circuiting. Same goes for “Fuck them other niggas, I’m down with my niggas.” But that one is at least a bit more understandable.
Moment 7: Daft Punk!
Moment 8: Daft Punk Presents Award to Taylor Swift, Sparking 30 Seconds of Me Hoping/Praying That Kanye West Will Interrupt Her Again In Defense of Miley Cryus’ “We Can’t Stop” Video
If you know me at all, you know that this would’ve been the end of the Internet for me.
Moment 9: Debating How Much of That Long JT Set Was Really Necessary
To be honest, it was all necessary, as long as we were blessed with this image at the end of it:
Moment 10: That Adidas Run DMC Commercial
Moment 11: Jason Collins and ASAP Rocky
This was at least a little bit funny right? Jason Collins gives a heartfelt message about acceptance, and then A$AP comes in to give his boy A$AP Ferg’s new record a shout out.
Moment 12: Seeing The KIA Hamster Commercial And Thanking God That You Don’t Have to Sit Through It
For real, I hate those hamsters with a passion. I want to run them over. With a KIA.
Moment 13: Freeze-Framing Drake’s Opening Picture And Then Skipping His Performance
Moment 14: Joseph Gordon Levitt Does A Voice
Moment 15: Getting Nervous That The Show Went Late And Daft Punk’s Performance Was Cut Off The DVR
There were 10 minutes left. I knew Katy Perry was still due to perform, but I’m really only here for Daft Punk.
Moment 16: Katy Perry (I Guess…)
Boxing! But still, where are you Daft Punk?
Moment 17: WHAT THE CRAP DAFT PUNK
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL.
Ugh. After all of that Colbchella business? I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU.
So that was everything that I got out of the VMAs.
Did I miss anything?
Either way, I’m going to go watch Breaking Bad again now.