Since beginning my venture into the idea of thinking of myself as a writer, I have found that the most challenging part of the process is not generating ideas or specific angles to a story, but rather getting the story out while it’s still relevant. I am a college student and thus a procrastinator by nature, but the topics that I tend to want to write about (TV, sports, rappers doing either absurd or shockingly normal things) demand that the content I make gets on the Interwebs swiftly.
Last night this was an issue for me. Every five minutes I found myself scribbling ideas- “Beyonce faces vs Ray Lewis faces”, “Glad God did not make me a farmer”, and “FLACCO = PAID” to name a few. For each of these ideas, I (in my 70%-coherent state) was convinced that I could burn out at least 2,000 words. But time wouldn’t allow for that; realistically by Wednesday I would have two articles up and by Thursday people (read:my parents and Facebook friends) would be questioning my authority as someone that writes about sports due to my lack of knowledge about the current NHL season.
Someday this won’t be a problem. Someday the Hyperbolic Time Chamber from DBZ will be a real thing, and I’ll be able to write a thousand articles about every Super Bowl for the rest of time.
But we have not made it there yet, so instead, I’ve decided to go with a gimmick. I present to you an annotated collection of scribblings that I made in a legal pad on Super Bowl Sunday.
People Whose Days Got Brighter During The Superdome Power Outage
To me this was by far the craziest thing that happened on Sunday (besides the degree to which Beyonce was In Love). There are a lot of things that can go wrong at a Super Bowl- a player could get injured, fights could break out in the stands, Jay-Z could not make an appearance to sing his verse on “Crazy in Love”, et al. But of all of those potential mishaps, I can not imagine anything higher on the list than “Power Outage Leaving the CBS Pregame Crew to Improvise”. It was the most unexpected turn that the game took, and because of that, I wondered who exactly had something to gain from this random act of Godly/Electrical Intervention? Here’s what I came up with.
- Ray Lewis– a 34 minute break gives Ray Lewis time for three different motivational speeches (one to the Defense, one to the Receivers, one to himself) and still leaves 7 minutes for him to do his pray/cry/sweat thing.
- People that Bet Stupid Props– Specifically those who bet on Over 21.5 times the name “Harbaugh” would be said and parlayed it with Over 15,000 Tweets Per Second during the game. As soon as it happened, Twitter exploded; as soon as the CBS crew got their audio back up, they had at least 20 minutes of dead air to get through, and one brotherly storyline to get them there.
- The Assistant Electrical Engineer of the Superdome– the kid is due for a promotion and a Flacco-sized pay raise.
- Steve Tasker– the CBS sideline reporter that had to explain to ESSENTIALLY EVERYONE ON THE UNIVERSE THAT HAS CABLE that America could not properly hold a sporting event. Third World countries have hosted World Cup’s without a disaster on this scale. Thankfully, Tasker stepped up to the plate. Props to the guy that is able to keep his composure when the entire free world is looking at him to explain the unexplainable. Kudos to you.
- Beyonce– If the Super Bowl Party I went to was a fair representation of every Super Bowl Party that took place across America, then at some point during the outage, someone in the room claimed that they “didn’t see what all the fuss around Beyonce was about”. Then, at every Super Bowl Party in America, said person proceeded to lose an argument to every person sitting within 30 yards of him or her.
Almost The Greatest Super Bowl Ever
A lot of little things happened to make this Super Bowl amazing- a huge comeback, Jacoby Jones’ kick return, an attempted fake FG that came out of nowhere, etc. But When the Ravens took the intentional safety (a move I agree with), all of a sudden, the stage was set for what would have been the most amazing This-Only-Happens-In-Friday-Night-Lights moment of all time. Here is what could have been:
As any football geek would know and as Nantz/Simms thankfully pointed out after the safety, there is a rule buried in the annals of football lore that allows for a team receiving a punt to fair catch the ball and take what is known as a “Free Kick” from the spot of the ball even if time on the play clock has expired. Ravens punter Sam Koch had already shanked one kick in the game, and if he got the jitters one more time and Jim Harbaugh knew about this rule (he did), this game could be decided by a David Akers miracle. A man whom I called “broken” just yesterday could have had the opportunity to hit the most ludicrous kick in NFL history. And he could have made it.
Almost The Greatest Game Ever Gambled On
Picking up from where we just left off, David Akers has just forced overtime in most exciting hypothetical football game ever played. Now imagine that the Niners scored a touchdown on the opening possession of overtime to win by six. This means they would have covered -4.5 points after trailing by 22. That is a 27 point comeback for those of us who bet the Niners.
I would bet everything I lost on the Niners that that has never happened before.
Additionally, we could have had news stories all week about how some small town guy put $100 on a parlay of Ravens moneyline (+160), “There Will Be A Safety” (+600) and “There Will Be Overtime” (+600) and then made $12,640. And that would have been awesome. I’m going to miss you gambling. Until March.
Last night was a night of sports information overload. Beyond the biggest worldwide television event of the year, there were the streaking Lakers (Kobe passes!), the Rondo-less Celtics, and of course hockey to report on SportsCenter. And then, on top of all of that, the news that Kevin Millwood is retiring from baseball crawls across the ESPN Bottomline. COME ON KEVIN. You couldn’t wait one day for me? Now I have to stop everything that I’m doing and start scanning your baseball-reference.com page for tidbits that I can pick and choose in order to make a half-hearted argument that you belong in the Journeyman Hall of Fame. Don’t you know that I have other things I want to write about?
Jim Harbaugh Out-Coached John Harbaugh
I think I might still write this one, just to make Bill Barnwell proud.
Joe Flacco’s Audition
On Monday, just one day after leading the Ravens to a Super Bowl victory and winning MVP, Joe Flacco announced that his wife is pregnant with their second child. By letting the news out in this way, Flacco is establishing himself as a “family man” at the time when his name-recognition level is at its peak. I believe that this is a part of a much larger plan, and that Flacco’s handling of the entire Super Bowl was essentially an audition process to see if he was ready to be discussed as an elite Quarterback in the company of Brady and Rodgers. With his MVP performance, Joe passed the test, but his baby announcement might have vaulted him to another level in terms of his marketability as “family man Joe Flacco”.
Recap Every Prop Bet
This just would have taken a really long time. And I’ve already talked about gambling too much. So I’ll probably do it next year.
This idea in a nutshell:
The NFL is controlled by the Illuminati and everything that happens once the playoffs start is fixed. The reason that it seems like the past ten Super Bowl’s have all been crazy down-to-the-wire affairs is because corporate sponsors cannot have the game get out of hand and lose viewers. The NFL charges $4 million dollars for a 30 second ad, and they need to justify that price to every company that they sell ad time to. The Power Outage happened because the the game was turning into a blowout (the Ravens had just taken their largest lead of the game) and the Illuminati needed to do something to fit in more commercials and guarantee that no one was leaving the screen. The Illuminati caused the power outage by bribing the Head Electrical Engineer at the Superdome with a Ravens moneyline/There Will Be a Safety parlay bet placed in his name for $2,000 at Mandalay Bay.
Man, that would’ve been a fun one to write…
Harbaugh on Harbaugh MNF Crew or Radio Show
As soon as both brothers have retired from coaching, they will make the greatest Monday Night Football commentating team in the history of forever. The collective football IQ of America is going to rise about 30 points, and any time a game turns into a blowout, they can regale us with tales from their childhood. Everyone is a winner in this scenario. Except Jim Harbaugh. He still lost the Super Bowl to his older brother.