Six Fast, Six Furious

Fast-and-Furious-6-Logo

If you were to ask me my favorite movie franchise’s of all time, the list would go as follows:

  1. The Bourne Trilogy
  2. The Fast and The Furious
  3. Chris Nolan’s Batman
  4. James Bond
  5. Tie: Indiana Jones (discounting The Crystal Skull) and Star Wars (discounting JarJar)

So when this happens:

It’s kind of a big deal.

If you do not deeply care about the Fast and Furious franchise, you probably won’t enjoy this and more importantly, we are no longer friends. It happens. Friendships are today, but Fast and Furious is forever.

LET’S BREAK DOWN THIS 3 MINUTES AND 22 SECONDS OF AMAZING.

0:00-0:13

beaches

Expansive establishing wide shots of a beautiful exotic location? It’s like we’re already back in Fast Five. Pan right on to Vin Diesel making sweet love to a woman twice his height, half his age, and 21 Shades too Grey for him. STRONG START.

0:14-0:22

The Rock

The Rock is back, and he is still sponsored by UnderArmour. It also appears that Vin Diesel has renewed his sponsorship deal with whoever makes and distributes Wife Beaters to the greater New Jersey area. GOOD TO KNOW.

0:23-0:41

“Last week, a team of highly coordinated drivers took down an entire military convoy.” – The Rock

This was an important moment in the trailer, as the past two movies have both opened with a pretty strong scene of high-speed thievery (the Oil Trucks in 4, breaking Dom off the prison bus in 5). These past two movies are where the franchise really found its footing, and developed into what Fast and Furious movies will look like for the next decade, and this scene in the teaser trailer shows that this film is being made in that same style. PERFECT.

0:42-0:51

letty1

OH SNAP. LETTY IS ALIVE. But you already knew that, because you stayed in the theater through the credits when you saw Fast Five, right? RIGHT?

0:52-0:56

“I need your team.” – The Rock

LET’S GET THE GANG BACK TOGETHER.

0:57-1:09

team

Dom brings the whole crew to London, without any of them knowing that The Rock is the real reason that they are all there, as you can tell by Tyrese Gibson’s not knowing the source of that baby oil smell. CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS PUTTING ON HIS SKIN? Yes. It is baby oil.

Jokes aside, I don’t understand how these secret teams all get together like this. Everyone on Dom’s crew agreed that Rio was their last job. Now all of a sudden everyone is flying to London before anyone tells them why. Personally, I don’t go to London unless I have at least five activities planned, and if The Rock is going to ask me to fight a group of highly skilled drivers that also happen to be terrorists, I need to know beforehand so I can pack extra undies.

But screw logic. THIS IS SIX FAST SIX FURIOUS.

1:10-1:40

copcarflip

Oh Snap. Oh snap oh snap. The Fast and Furious Franchise (FFF) began with just a bunch of kids getting together and racing for pinks. There was a little drug trade and some murdery/tortury things, but it was all about who could rattle off the fastest quarter mile and more specifically, who could hit the Nitrous at just the right time. When the fourth film was released, the drug cartel became a main player within the context of the story, a slight but realistic (given the circumstances) jump. In Fast Five, Dom and The Rock realized that they weren’t all that different and helped to shut down the entire government, police force, and drug trade in Rio De Janeiro.

NOW WE HAVE A CREW OF HIGHLY SKILLED DRIVER TERRORISTS THAT HAVE CARS THAT ARE MADE TO FLIP COP CARS AND THE CREW IS LED BY A FORMER SPEC OPS GUY. WHAT’S THAT THE ROCK? YOU SAY THE LOSS OF LIFE IS UNTHINKABLE?

Sold.

1:41-1:48

streetrace

Another tie that the previous two movies shared was a scene in which old-school race-for-slips street racing was still necessary to the job despite of a much larger overarching plan. Our two heroes roll up to some crazy party with ridiculous cars, tons of scantily clad women, then proceed to drive faster than everyone else. Nitrous tends to come into play.

In 4, Dom and Paul Walker have to win a street race in order to impress the drug cartel into letting them smuggle heroin across the border. In 5, Dom and Paul race to acquire the necessary cars to pull off the job, but later decide to steal cop cars instead. THESE MOVIES ARE AMAZING.

1:49-2:07

MONTAGE.

2:08-2:10

letty2

LETTY!

2:11-2:14

lettyno

LETTY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

2:25-2:32

Girl Fights. Always a good time. Smart money is on Letty, but really, we are all winners.

2:33-2:40

luda

Ludacris is afraid of tanks. It’s adorable.

2:41-2:50

Oh cool, another action montage showing me how amazing this movie is going to be. I hope that there’s another jump-punch like the one Dom pulled on The Rock in Fast Five.

rockpunch

THERE IT IS. I can’t imagine how this could get better.

2:52

plane

That’s a plane…

2:57

speargun

That’s Tyrese Gibson with a spear gun…

3:03-3:10

what

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

3:11

domplane

DOM WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THAT PLANE.

3:22

Fin.

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2 Responses to Six Fast, Six Furious

  1. Pingback: 20 Lists of 13 to Celebrate 2013 | Shitty Banter

  2. Pingback: Taking the Furious 7 Trailer as Seriously as Possible | Shitty Banter

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